September 6th: The Longest Day of my Life [part 2]

After snapping back to reality for a second and realizing that my baby is dead inside my belly, the questions started coming. I asked the doctor 'What now?' and he went into telling me that will have to induce me and I will have to give birth to Sophia.WHAT?! I mean I guess I knew she had to come out some how, but for me to experience labor and giving birth for the first time, I wasn't expecting it to be like this. I'm sure the doctor was saying other things but my mind went back to a dream and everything didn't seem real. All I knew was, my Sophia was gone and I would have to give birth to my dead baby. 


Now at this point I was 29 weeks and 6 days, so I was practically 30 weeks. Some might think that a baby doesn't really look like a baby at this point but the nurses gave me heads up about what I could possible expect when I see her. She told me that since she is early she would have this white stuff on her to protect her skin [i forget the proper terms], they also said that she might have toes or fingers that are still webbed. Other than that she will be like any other baby. I am very blessed to have been given a heads up so it wouldn't be such a shock when so was delivered. 


I can't forget to mention that my whole family was here with me by this point, and by whole family I mean WHOLE FAMILY... Malachi, my mom, my dad, 2 brothers, 2 sister, my aunt and uncle, my cousin and my grandmom. I was only really suppose to have 2-3 people in the little room with me but at times we managed to squeeze a lot more than that. They were wonderful being there for me and taking turns coming in to be with me for a little and hug me and tell me they loved me. I don't know what was harder... I guess every aspect of this was hard on its own level... but seeing my family so sad for us and losing Sophia was horrible. I guess this is where God was giving me strength and didn't even know it. I was much calmer than what I thought [most of it was probably still shock] although it was still very difficult to think... think about all of it. It was probably around 3:00pm and they finally took me to a delivery room to spend the day...or night... or longer. My whole gang came with me, it was like a parade down the hospital halls... parades are usually happy times, but this was not a happy time. This parade was my support, my constant-do-anything-for-you-hold-your-hand-kind of support... with them all by my side and God holding us all I could do this, we could get through this.

Here I was, room 2067, my room that I would be in for the next 24+ hours. Once we all got in there and they got me situated in my bed and as comfortable as you can get in a hospital bed. Thanks to my hormones and being so pregnant my thermostat was very hot, needless to say I had them put cold air on and ended up freezing everyone in my room. We were constantly asking for blankets, not for me, but for all my family to stay warm. The nurse came, put an IV in me [my least favorite thing] and then took so many viles of blood. [By the  end of all my time at the hospital they took over 20 tubes of blood, I was one bruised puppy]. I got orders from the nurse that once she started the pill that was put in me internally, I couldn't stand up the first 2 hours and I would get another dose every 4 hours to continue the inducing. Little did I know that this was going to be a very, very long day. 


It helped so much that my whole family was there with me, it helped me get my mind off of the future and all that I would have to go through. 

I asked my mom if she could stay with Malachi and I when I would give birth since we were planning on taking our birthing class when we got back from Florida. She obviously agreed and it helped ease our minds a little knowing she's done it 4 times! I don't really remember a whole lot during this long waiting process. Everything was a blur, a bad dream, numbing. Nurses came in and out checking on me, giving me more fluids, taking blood, give me another pill, asking about pain... my family was all the while in the background hugging, whispering, tears in eyes and just being there for Mal and I. The contractions didn't waste time coming. They weren't too bad and I could handle them for the time being. After a while of having contractions and hearing from the nurses how little dilated I was got me nervous. I got to the point where I asked them for something to help me be able to relax a little and hopefully sleep. 

 My mom said I just looked so peaceful and had a smile on my face the whole time.

Then I was told that I started cracking jokes and saying things and just laughing at myself. I don't even remember any of this, just by pictures and what my family has told me. [the farts, I do remember the farts, haha my poor family, but they were giving it right back to me cuz that's what family does!!]


The hours went by and my family was still there. I was so hungry and thirsty I hadn't had anything since the day before.I told my family they need to eat and take care of themselves. I was more worried about all of them being ok and comfortable than I was with myself. [I guess that helped me too] I still didn't decide whether I wanted to give birth naturally or have an epidural. I was fighting back and forth with the options and didn't know what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to feel the pain, so I would actually fell something and not be so numb but the other part of me wanted to take something because I didn't know how I would be once I gave birth. I eventually decided to get an epidural to help with the pain. When the contractions started to get too uncomfortable the nurses put the order in for it. You have to understand, I dislike needles very much and I was already acting like my left hand was dead because of the IV, now I was afraid of moving my body the slightest bit with having this in my back. 


I would doze off for maybe 10-15 minutes but was just so exhausted. So was everyone else. It got to the point were it was so late my family was falling asleep all around me. Some went out to the waiting room and laid on the sofa beds there, they were curled up in chairs, laying on the sofa bed, on the floor, everywhere. 

[yes, my brother is using my bag of pads as a pillow, he was so tired he had no idea what they were]

[ my 6 foot-huge brother is curled up on the floor under the table with his wife curled up like a little cat in the chair next to him]
Even though the time was moving at turtle speed and everything was so blah, I do remember always holding someone's hand at all times. Everyone took turns just sitting by my side and holding my hand. Malachi's hand was the hand that made everything be ok...we could do this, we could get through this, we have gone through so much together already, God will help us get through this journey too.

When it got ridiculously late, I told people that it was ok to go home and eat and try to get some sleep. I reassured them that I would be ok and we would call the second I would go into labor. Everyone went home except Mal, my mom, Nathan and my grandmother. They all toughed it out for me and stayed by my side. 


I am extremely blessed by being surrounded by my family and people who love me during this time. Sleep needed to come for me, but never really did...