September 6th: The Longest Day of my Life [part 1]

I woke up around 8:00, getting about 4 hours of sleep the night before. Still nothing... Malachi was going to go with all the guys to see my Uncle's farm and what he does at his job. I decided to stay back home because I was worried and scared. I got a text from my mom asking if I wanted to lay out again, I had told her I didn't feel up to it ( I had been crying all morning, just by myself in my room and holding my belly). She asked me if Sophia ever woke up or moved for me, I told her she never did. She asked me if I wanted to go and try to listen to her heartbeat to give me some peace, but i was so nervous and didn't want to have my fears confirmed. I guess my mom called my aunt because she ended up texting me and saying to lay on my left side and drink some really cold orange juice. She told me to let her know if I felt Sophia move after a couple minutes. By that time, my mom had come over to be with me and had me drink very cold orange juice (which she added A LOT of sugar to, to help)and had me lay on my side. She was just holding me, praying, and rubbing my belly hoping Sophia would start moving and I was just crying feeling so helpless. After what seemed forever, I still hadn't felt Sophia move. My aunt had come home from work and came up to my mom and myself. She asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room to make sure Sophia was ok. [I was so scared, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to know what I already felt down deep in my heart]I agreed to go, so my mom,my aunt and I all headed to the emergency room. The whole ride to the hospital, I was fighting back tears and just rubbing my belly praying that Sophia was ok and was just sleeping or something.


We got to the hospital [it was probably 11:00am], checked in and got taken right to the maternity section. I had to sign and fill out all this paper work and all I wanted to do was check my baby and make sure she was ok. They finally got us a little room where we were and I got my gown on and covered with a blanket. My mom stayed by my side and held my hand the whole time. She was so strong for me. My aunt was out calling my uncle to have him bring Malachi to the hospital [since he was a little over an hour away].


A nurse came in and was talking, I don't even remember what she said, it is all such a blur... I was just scared. The nurse said she was going to try and listen for the heartbeat. Once she got me all set us and put it to my belly I knew right away. I held my breathe and tried not crying, hoping, praying, pleading in my head that they would find it. The nurse was moving all over my belly and still nothing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just started to cry. I remember the nurse asking what was wrong, and saying that she thinks that Sophia is turned in a way that is difficult to find the heartbeat. I knew... I knew my baby girl's heartbeat... I would hear it every month at my check-ups... I knew that once the doctor touched my belly with the device I would hear that little heartbeat pounding so loud and so fast... every time... right away...always... but not this time. SO despite the nurse trying to calm me down and give me hope, this mommy knew! She went and got a smaller piece of equipment to try and hear the heart beat. When she had no luck with that one either she said whe was going to have me get an ultra sound just to make sure the baby was ok.

I just remember looking at my mom and squeezing her hand. I knew, and it was the worse feeling I have ever felt in my life. My aunt and my mom were by my bedside the whole time just holding my hands and waiting with me. It was just quiet. Finally another technician came in to give me the ultrasound. I just remember holding my mom's hand and not looking at the screen. I couldn't, I didn't want the last time I got an ultra sound to see my lifeless baby... I wanted to remember my ultra sounds as happy times... times where Malachi and I were holding hands and watching our baby girl move, kick, open her mouth, suck her finger and make us smile. I didn't want to see what I knew would be on the screen. After they took many pictures and what not they said they would show the doctor and get back to us.


[[Unfortunately I will never forget this part for the rest of my life.]] The lights were dimmed in my little room, the curtain was closed to all the others in the rooms, my mom was holding my hand by my side, and my aunt was there too. I saw a man peek through the curtain and come into the room, I knew he must be the doctor. I squeezed my mom's hand tight and held my breath just waiting for him to speak. And then I heard those word I was dreading... "I'm sorry." From this point on everything seemed like a dream, how do you even describe what I was feeling? I can't, no words can ever describe the loss, the feeling of having no control, the feeling of not being able to bring My Sophia back to me. I just sobbed and my mom and aunt held me and cried with me. I couldn't think, my mind and body went numb, the world seemed to just stop, everything  just seemed like a dream. I couldn't really grasp what was told to me, I knew it was true but I just didn't understand, I thought that it was just a dream... just a dream, more like a nightmare.


Moments later Malachi got there and came into my room. My mom and aunt left the room so we could be alone. I just looked at him, not wanting to tell him, not wanting to break his heart as mine had broken, not wanting to tell him that our precious daughter had died. I just remember looking at him in the eyes as he came to my bedside and just shook my head no. I don't even know if I even uttered the words, but he knew... we both knew. I just held him in my arms and we just cried, mourned the loss of our Sophia. We both  had a Sophia shaped hole in our hearts that will always feel empty. Our daughter, our sweet little Sophia was gone, our joy and happiness and knowing we were going to be parents and a family was gone, our first little love was gone.


[Sorry, I need to split up this day, it was too long, and such a hard day that it is difficult to get through]