Dear Sophia...

Dear Sophia,

Christmas is in 4 days, but it's not going to be what I had hoped and dreamed it would be. I'm not able to dress you up in some adorable Christmas outfit with an accessory I would have made. I'm not able to fill my camera with thousands of pictures of you on your first Christmas. I'm not able to just love on you and hold you and kiss you extra since it's a special day. I'm not able to spoil you and buy cute little things for Christmas. But most of all I'm not able to tell you how much I love you and that you are the best Christmas gift I could ever have.

Everyone is always asking me what I want for Christmas, but no one can give me what I really want for Christmas... I want you back, I want to hold you and kiss you and never let you go. I get so jealous and upset at people that they get to spend their Christmas with their babies or children and I don't have you to spend it with. As Christmas gets closer I just ache for you and long to be with you. All of my dreams I had and memories I wished to make with you ... I can't have them.

I wonder if you celebrate Christmas in Heaven. I'm sure if you do that it is the most amazing thing! I'm sure the Christmas lights are even better than they are here. [I wonder if you love them as much as me] I'm sure you are have the best time of your life with my Nanny and your little boyfriend Levi... but know that your Daddy and Mommy miss you like crazy and wish everyday you were here with us.

I love you Sophia. Tell Nanny to give you a big hug and kiss from me!
Love, Mommy

Septemeber 7th: Sophia Birthday [Part 2]

Malachi and I are so lucky... Sophia was so absolutely beautiful. There was nothing wrong with her, perfect in every way [I know I might be partial, but I really think she was absoluutely amazing! I wonder how more beautiful she would have gotten with two more months of growing that she had].

 This was after giving birth and waiting for them to give me Sophia.

 The first time I got to see Sophia and hold her

 I just wanted to eat her up, she was so cute... that little nose!

 We are so proud to be called her parents... we are very honored God chose us!

Mal holding Sophia for the first time.

 She looks like Yoda here the way her arms are folded and all her extra skin =]

 I would have kissed her tootsies so much if she was still here!

Her curly hair like her mommy <3

 This picture ^ was Mal's favorite... it just goes to show you the roller coaster of emotions that day.

                  I was showing Sophia the bear that Grampy had bought for her and me at the hospital.

After about 6-7 hour of holding Sophia most of my family had left to go back home and rest more. My mom, dad, and Malachi had continued to stay with me. The nurses had taken Sophia to do her footprints, and take pictures of her for me. I was able to keep a little keepsake box that had her little hospital gown in, her footprint, a lock of her hair, and the rattle and stuffed animal she posed with in the pictures. When they were done with her the had asked if I wanted her back to hold. OF COURSE! So silly to even ask. So Malachi, my parents and myself got to hold her one last time. It was probably another 2 hours and the nurse came in to see how we were doing. We gave Sophia our kisses and told her we loved her before we gave her to the nurse. This would be the last time we could ever hold her again. Oh how I long for the day I can hold her again! I have held plenty of babies in my life and taken care of numerous amount of kids, but NOTHING will ever feel the same as it did when I got to hold my precious baby girl. I will never forget it and never forget how it felt to kiss that sweet little face and rub those little cheeks and belly.

I eventullay was moved to a new room late that night to stay the night and be observed. Malachi, my mom and Nathan [who became my body gaurd and never wanted to leave my side] had stayed the night with me in a tiny room. They each took turns staying up with me by my bedside. Thank goodness for sleeping pills, I was able to get some sleep until I was woken up to get more blood taken. I was so extremely blessed by all the amazing nurses God had given me. They were amazed at how Mal and I were reacting to our situtaion. We were able to be a testimony to them and show them our hope and faith. We were able to have some good conversations with some of the nurses and we grew to love them. Each one of them would come and hug our family when it was time for their shift to end. We were blessed. Ultimately we were blessed with a wonderful daughter!!!!

September 7th: Sophia's Birthday [part 1]

Sleep was on and off for all of us at the hospital. I think it was a little easier for me since I had medication in me to help me rest and and epidural for the contractions. {these next few moments were quite a blur to me and were told to me afterwards by my mom and Malachi}

I had apparently dozed off to sleep around 6:30am [after being checked by the nurse, I was only 4 cm. dilated, since I assumed it would still be awhile... this process had already been about 24 hours!] I remember asking my mom earlier in the day how will I know it's time. She told me you will feel like you have to push and even poop [i love how everything in my family turns to bathroom talk :)] All I remember is waking up at 7:00am and telling my mom I NEED TO PUSH! With that she went out and got the nurse [who didn't believe that I was ready in just a half hour after she checked me] who checked me and said I was 10 cm and definitely ready to go. My brother and grandmom had went behind the curtain at this time, they still wanted to be there for me... my mom was on my left side by my face telling me to breathe... Malachi was on my right side holding my hand and telling me I was doing ok. The nurses seemed to be taking FOREVER!!! I just wanted to push! Once they got things set up they gave me the ok to start pushing. After a few minutes the one nurse told me to stop [she was trying to get the doctor on the phone], after no luck she said oh well and told me to keep pushing. Wow, thank goodness for drugs! I don't know how my mom did this without drugs and with 4 kids... wish I was strong like her. Anyways, I had the best support around me... my mom and Malachi... they were encouraging me, telling me I was doing great and holding my hands. I pushed maybe 4-5 time and after that out came Sophia. Our Sophia Loretta Murdoch, born at 7:30am. I was so relieved, I just wanted to see my baby and hold her but I still had to get cleaned up and the doctor finally got there after she was born and gave me a few stitches.

I'm not gonna lie, I was a little bit nervous to see her, but I think my excitement and joy to see her over-powered that nervousness. It wasn't like how I had always thought giving birth would have been like. it was kinda surreal. It was hard not hearing a baby cry after giving birth, it was hard knowing that she was gone and I would never hear her cry or see her smile. I would never be able to watch her grow up before my eyes... Next thing I remember was the nurse walking over to me holding my daughter... my beautiful baby girl... I was beaming with pride! She was the most perfect thing I had ever seen. She had the white stuff on her skin a little, but she had all 10 fingers and adorable 10 toes[they weren't webbed at all], she had curly hair already [like her momma], her lips were ruby red, she had the cutest button nose ever, she was VERY long, her skin was so soft, she just looked like she was sleeping.

By this time, my brother and grandmom came in from behind the curtain... I remember Nathan telling me "I heard everything, and you did awesome!" I knew it was going to be a time of bitter sweet. But the joy that I saw on their faces through the tears, after seeing Sophia made it so worth it! The rest of my family had gotten the call when I was starting to push and so a couple minutes after giving birth they were all there to see my beautiful daughter. 

I think the hardest thing for me was to see how everyone reacted to seeing Sophia and knowing. My heart broke for all of them, knowing that they were going through this with me as well. I think this was the first time I had ever seen my dad cry and it just broke my heart. My Sweet Little Sophia had captured all of our hearts, even for the short time she was growing in my belly.

I was the first one to hold Sohpia and just look at her and memorize everything about her that I could. I then passed her to Malachi... what a proud Daddy he was. Oh my gosh I can't even imagine being more in love with him. He was so wonderful to me through this whole thing and seeing him hold our baby girl was priceless.Was it how I dreamed giving birth to Sohpia would have been? No, but I wouldn't have changed what we did have to go through for anything and having each other to go through it together.

These next 6-7 hours of holding Sophia and watching everyone I love hold her and fall more in love with her made me so happy and feel blessed =] {I have over 400 pictures of my beautiful daughter but will just put some of my favorite, favorite ones!}

The four generations... my grandmom, dad, myself and Sophia

 

 Sophia with Uncle Nubbs and Grandma

 Sophia with Aunt Re-Re

 Her perfect little fingers {so tiny compared to Victoria's}

 Sophia with Aunt Rana

 My Little Beauty

 Sophia with Grampy and Grandma

 Her tootsies [just like her mommy's], these were one of my favorite parts of Sophia!

 Sophia with Grandma and her great-aunt Cathy

 Sophia with Uncle Nick and Aunt Rana

 Sophia with her second cousin, great aunt and grandma

Grandma telling Sophia secrets 

 Sophia with her great-uncle Jose

 These are just a few pictures of all my family holding my little love. I can't wait to share more beautiful pictures of my sweet little Sophia.

Holding this little girl of mine was the most incredible feeling ever, being able to hold her little hand and kiss her little cheeks... that will never be taken from me, I will always cherish those moment I got to hold my baby girl.