September 6th: The Longest Day of my Life [part 1]

I woke up around 8:00, getting about 4 hours of sleep the night before. Still nothing... Malachi was going to go with all the guys to see my Uncle's farm and what he does at his job. I decided to stay back home because I was worried and scared. I got a text from my mom asking if I wanted to lay out again, I had told her I didn't feel up to it ( I had been crying all morning, just by myself in my room and holding my belly). She asked me if Sophia ever woke up or moved for me, I told her she never did. She asked me if I wanted to go and try to listen to her heartbeat to give me some peace, but i was so nervous and didn't want to have my fears confirmed. I guess my mom called my aunt because she ended up texting me and saying to lay on my left side and drink some really cold orange juice. She told me to let her know if I felt Sophia move after a couple minutes. By that time, my mom had come over to be with me and had me drink very cold orange juice (which she added A LOT of sugar to, to help)and had me lay on my side. She was just holding me, praying, and rubbing my belly hoping Sophia would start moving and I was just crying feeling so helpless. After what seemed forever, I still hadn't felt Sophia move. My aunt had come home from work and came up to my mom and myself. She asked if I wanted to go to the emergency room to make sure Sophia was ok. [I was so scared, I didn't want to go, I didn't want to know what I already felt down deep in my heart]I agreed to go, so my mom,my aunt and I all headed to the emergency room. The whole ride to the hospital, I was fighting back tears and just rubbing my belly praying that Sophia was ok and was just sleeping or something.


We got to the hospital [it was probably 11:00am], checked in and got taken right to the maternity section. I had to sign and fill out all this paper work and all I wanted to do was check my baby and make sure she was ok. They finally got us a little room where we were and I got my gown on and covered with a blanket. My mom stayed by my side and held my hand the whole time. She was so strong for me. My aunt was out calling my uncle to have him bring Malachi to the hospital [since he was a little over an hour away].


A nurse came in and was talking, I don't even remember what she said, it is all such a blur... I was just scared. The nurse said she was going to try and listen for the heartbeat. Once she got me all set us and put it to my belly I knew right away. I held my breathe and tried not crying, hoping, praying, pleading in my head that they would find it. The nurse was moving all over my belly and still nothing. I couldn't hold it in anymore and I just started to cry. I remember the nurse asking what was wrong, and saying that she thinks that Sophia is turned in a way that is difficult to find the heartbeat. I knew... I knew my baby girl's heartbeat... I would hear it every month at my check-ups... I knew that once the doctor touched my belly with the device I would hear that little heartbeat pounding so loud and so fast... every time... right away...always... but not this time. SO despite the nurse trying to calm me down and give me hope, this mommy knew! She went and got a smaller piece of equipment to try and hear the heart beat. When she had no luck with that one either she said whe was going to have me get an ultra sound just to make sure the baby was ok.

I just remember looking at my mom and squeezing her hand. I knew, and it was the worse feeling I have ever felt in my life. My aunt and my mom were by my bedside the whole time just holding my hands and waiting with me. It was just quiet. Finally another technician came in to give me the ultrasound. I just remember holding my mom's hand and not looking at the screen. I couldn't, I didn't want the last time I got an ultra sound to see my lifeless baby... I wanted to remember my ultra sounds as happy times... times where Malachi and I were holding hands and watching our baby girl move, kick, open her mouth, suck her finger and make us smile. I didn't want to see what I knew would be on the screen. After they took many pictures and what not they said they would show the doctor and get back to us.


[[Unfortunately I will never forget this part for the rest of my life.]] The lights were dimmed in my little room, the curtain was closed to all the others in the rooms, my mom was holding my hand by my side, and my aunt was there too. I saw a man peek through the curtain and come into the room, I knew he must be the doctor. I squeezed my mom's hand tight and held my breath just waiting for him to speak. And then I heard those word I was dreading... "I'm sorry." From this point on everything seemed like a dream, how do you even describe what I was feeling? I can't, no words can ever describe the loss, the feeling of having no control, the feeling of not being able to bring My Sophia back to me. I just sobbed and my mom and aunt held me and cried with me. I couldn't think, my mind and body went numb, the world seemed to just stop, everything  just seemed like a dream. I couldn't really grasp what was told to me, I knew it was true but I just didn't understand, I thought that it was just a dream... just a dream, more like a nightmare.


Moments later Malachi got there and came into my room. My mom and aunt left the room so we could be alone. I just looked at him, not wanting to tell him, not wanting to break his heart as mine had broken, not wanting to tell him that our precious daughter had died. I just remember looking at him in the eyes as he came to my bedside and just shook my head no. I don't even know if I even uttered the words, but he knew... we both knew. I just held him in my arms and we just cried, mourned the loss of our Sophia. We both  had a Sophia shaped hole in our hearts that will always feel empty. Our daughter, our sweet little Sophia was gone, our joy and happiness and knowing we were going to be parents and a family was gone, our first little love was gone.


[Sorry, I need to split up this day, it was too long, and such a hard day that it is difficult to get through]

September 5th: The Day I knew...

Today started like any other day... rolling my big belly out of bed with the help of Daddy, getting ready for the day and rubbing my belly all the time. Grandma wanted to lie out and get some sn while it was out so Grampy picked me us so the 3 of us girls could lay out together. It was just the girls (Grandma, Mommy and you, Sophia). 

I had yet to feel you move for me so far and in the back of my mind I was worrying but trying not to show it. We laid out for a little while and chilled in the pool until it started to get cloudy and then we got ready for the rest of our day.

 All Mommy's cousins and grandparents were coming over for a grilling party and lots of delicious food. Everyone was asking me about you and you were doing and telling us how excited they were for Mommy and Daddy. I don't think there was a person who didn't rub my belly. 

All day long something just didn't feel right... I had yet to feel you kick or move. Daddy was always so good at getting you to move around and kick Mommy, bust he wasn't having any more lucky than Mommy. We continued our day, enjoying our family and all the good food and the worry just kept growing in the back of my mind. Something wasn't right, I tried to keep telling myself that when I laid down for the night that you would start moving; maybe I did too much today and you were just tired. Well it was around 11:00 at night and I was just laying on the couch talking and laughing  with Aunt Re Re, Uncle Nubbs and Daddy, but I still had yet to feel you move. Everyone was assuring me that it was ok. Uncle Nubbs even asked if anything could really happen this far along in the pregnancy, which Mommy and Daddy responded that the chances were slim since I was so far along, but still something could happen. 

Then came the challenge of trying to sleep. Daddy kissed my belly, like usual and we both said our goodnights and I love you's to you, but my worry had escalated from the beginning of the day and had only gotten worse. I was able to finally fall asleep but woke up at 4:00 in the morning just crying and so scared because it was a whole day and I didn't feel you move, Sophia. I had never gone a day where I didn't feel you move. I cried in Daddy's arms until 7:00 a.m. and then fell asleep from exhaustion. Despite Daddy's words of comfort and reminding me that God is in control and things would be ok, my fears were being confirmed. My Mommy-senses just knew something wasn't right. 

::Thankful::

Since it is Thanksgiving day, I'm taking a break from Sophia's Story to share all the many things I am thankful for [especially through this journey]. There are so many things I have been thankful for that I would be here all day writing about it. Here are a few...

*I am thankful for the 29 weeks and 7 days I got to enjoy with my beautiful Sophia in my belly.
*I am thankful for the wiggles, kicks and hiccups she gave me.
*I am thankful that she was such a beautiful baby girl and had all 10 fingers and toes.
*I am thankful that we got to hold her lifeless little body for 7+ hours.
*I am thankful for the kisses I could give her and the secrets I could tell her.
*I am thankful for being able to just hold her and soak in every aspect of her.
*I am thankful that she is in the best place ever and I'm sure having an amazing first thanksgiving with my Nanny, the Lord, and many other dear loved ones.
*I am thankful for a husband who has stuck by my side through EVERYTHING [the happy times and hard times]
*I am thankful for a husband that will let me just sob in his arms while he rocks me and tells me it's ok.
*I am thankful for a husband who loves me and I know will always love our daughter.
*I am thankful that I was surrounded by my family while going through the loss of Sophia [from sleepless nights in the hospital, to long days back home].
*I am thankful for both Mal and my parents and EVERYTHING they have done and are continuing to do for us. [ They have done too much, I can't even write it all]
*I am thankful for friends who have loved on us and for everyone's prayers that have been and are still being prayed.
*I am thankful that God is in control of my crazy life!
*I am thankful that I am healthy and will Lord willing have more children.
*I am thankful that Sophia made Malachi and I a family... we will always be a family forever because of her.

I love you Sohpia, thank you for all you have taught your Mommy and Daddy!


Happy Thanksgiving to all... remember to be thankful for EVERYTHING, even in the hard times, there is always something to be thankful for =]

September 4, 2010: The Gang's All Here

Well Sohpia, you'll find out on your own I'm sure, but your uncles and Daddy really like to fish.  It looked like it was going to rain all day but they were still out there. Mommy went out a few times and tried to fish but it was really HOT! 

Mommy ended up sitting down by the lake and watching [my feet get sore quicker since you're growing by the second!] I was joking with Daddy and told him that if a gator came out of the water, I was a sitting duck! I was too big and moved to slow to get away from it. Lucky for us, Daddy was already thinking about protecting us. He was squatting down next to us in the grass just in case. Didn't I say how blessed we were to have him?!?

Grandma, Grampy and Re Re, finally got here in the afternoon. They were so tired we didn't really do that much. All the kids were going to stay at Mommy's Aunt and Uncle's house. Everyone got to see you kick and move around in my belly again tonight. If I knew you would be so super-active in Florida I would have come down a lot soon! I love feeling you move in my belly, it's the best gift you give me! 
We did seem to have enough energy to fish again at night. You couldn't see anything and everyone got bit by bugs except Mommy! I think you helped =] Nothing else special really happened today. When it was time to head off to bed, Daddy rubbed my belly and gave you a kiss goodnight, like he always does, and told you how much he loved you. That is one of my favorite things he does to you! Let's not forget that I love you too!!! I tell you each night before I fall asleep. I love you Sohpia!

Tomorrow we are going to go to the pool with Grandma and sun bathe [Mommy's favorite thing]

I love you,

Mommy

September 1st-3rd... Let the Florida Festivities Begin!

My Sweet Sophia,

Today you are 29 weeks! I can't believe how fast time is flying. Daddy and I can't wait to hold you and play with you and kiss you!!! Daddy and I hung out at Ne and Coco's for most of the day and just relaxed. It has been very hot for Mommy, so I have been drinking A LOT of water... I have to make sure you are getting enough fluid too! Well Sophia, I wish you could see your great grandfather. I have never laughed so hard as I did, watching Coco make chicken for Valentino (their crazy dog!). He doesn't even cook for Ne, just the dog. Then he chases him around the house with pieces of chicken on the fork until he eats it. After dinner the dog gets his own Haagen Daas Ice cream. I think you were laughing with me because you were doing a lot of summersaults. You were moving so much in my belly since we got to Florida, I think you are happy to be here like Mommy is. Mommy was starting to get tired of just sitting, so Daddy and Mommy went into town and walked around and got something to eat. Sophia, you are so lucky to have a wonderful Daddy! He loves you so much and has been taking such good care of you and me=] I tell him all the time how much you love him too. He just smiles, but when I explain to him how when he starts talking you start kicking and when  he rubs my belly you starting kicking back. He loves playing "tag" with you in my belly. We are so blessed little girl.

Friday your Uncle Nubbs (Nathan), Uncle Nick and Aunt Rana (Andrea) finally got to Florida! Mommy was so happy to have more people around... apparently so were you! I have not felt you move as much as you have these last few days down in Florida. I was loving every second of it and just kept talking to you and laughing. Everyone got to see you moving my belly around and kicking. Ne was so happy to see you moving and Uncle Nubbs got to feel you kick so hard, he kinda freaked out. I loved it =]

We had so many more laughs that night... Ne was pointing knives at Coco for his bad behavior, Valentino was attacking Aunt Rana... oh Sophia, I knew you were enjoying it too. Either that or Mommy was laughing so hard you had no choice but to move around!

 Saturday we all decided to go the Bass Pro Shop. Your uncles and Daddy enjoyed it the most. I did find this pacifier that I wanted to get you, but it cost way too much =] Daddy and Uncle Nubbs were like little boys and started playing a hunting game. They were so funny to watch. 

After shopping, we went out to eat. Daddy and I took everyone to a restaurant that had the yummiest salad ever. It was the 2nd time I had gotten it in the 3 days we were down in Florida!!!

Guess what??? Grandma, Grampy and Aunt Re Re (Victoria) are coming down tomorrow... then the party can really start =]

I love you my baby girl!

Mommy

oh, p.s. you made Mommy so happy around 11:00 at night. I was trying to sleep while Daddy was watching TV and all of a sudden I felt this funny movement in my belly. I told Daddy to feel my belly and said "I think Sophia has the hiccups." Sure enough you did! You had them for at least 10 minutes, and Daddy and I were just chuckling... we finally got to feel you have the hiccups, and I LOVED IT!

August 31st: Getting ready for Florida

Dear Sophia,
     Mommy was very anxious and nervous about flying and being pregnant with you. I started by having a cup of decaf coffee and reading the Bible to you. God is so good Sophia! He led me to numerous verses that reminded me not to worry and that God loves me, takes care of me and has things under control. All Mommy has to do now is trust Him. I pray Sophia that you will have so much trust in the Lord with all your life and remember how much he loves you and wants to take care of you.
     After being reminded of God's care for us, I got ready and we were just waiting for Daddy to get home from work. I was so excited to be going to Florida (it's where Mommy was born) and seeing all my family down there.

     Now I'll be honest Sophia, Mommy still had a little worry in her about flying. Mommy and Daddy got the airport early so it gave me more time to be nervous. Ask Daddy, I took a lot of pictures of us, to keep my mind occupied.

I worried that I would deliver you on the plane or something would happen to you. God gave Mommy little "gifts" to help ease her crazy thinking.
     Daddy and Mommy were talking to a couple who had a little baby girl. In my head I thought 'Good, so if I do give birth, Sophia will have clothes and things to wear.' Then after awhile Mommy saw Mr. and Mrs. Goffin sitting in our flight's section. I thought 'Good, if I have my baby or something is wrong I now have other people we know and who are Christians.' Daddy thought I was so silly but even though I was, God still met me where I was at.
     Well it was now time to board the plane and find our seats. Mommy sat on the aisle side so I can get up to walk, use the bathroom and stretch. Daddy was so good to me! He held my hand almost the whole way there, calmed me down, wiped away tears and just reassured me God has everything under control and I'll be ok. It felt like the longest 2 1\2 hours. I tried watching a movie, ate swedish fish, read the Bible, walked down the aisle bumping people's heads with my belly (it's not easy squeezing past people in a small aisle with a big belly!). We finally got there safely. I thanked God and for all the people who were praying for me that I didn't even know. We found our luggage and waited for Mommy's Aunt Cathy to pick us up.
     You finally got to meet your great grandparents, my aunt and uncle and cousins!!! Mommy and Daddy were so tired we headed to bed once we got to your great grandparents house. We had to sleep in a small double bed... Daddy and Mommy just looked at each other, like this isn't going to happen!! It was 79 degrees in the house, my feet were swollen, there was no room in the bed for the 3 of us... it was going to be a long night!

I love you Sophia,
Mommy

Our Journey

Well it's been a little over 2 months that my daughter, Sophia, passed away. I had been journalling all through my pregnancy and have tried to keep up journaling after she passed away.


This is a way to help me through my grieving process and also to let others know how blessed I was to have Sophia be a part of my life. I want others to know the joy and love I had (and still do have) for my little girl. Even though my dreams for her will never be, I have greater dreams of what I will have with her one day.


I will be sharing pictures of my beautiful daughter and sharing the hard times and the better times. I hope that my writing will help people in some way.


(Each of my journaling posts were written to Sophia for her to read when she gets older. After her passing away the journaling becomes normal.)


Vanessa